Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A Conversation with Myself

I am so tired of having no energy. I don't like the numbness around my surgical site. I don't like going in for tests and blood work. I hate waiting to hear the results of those tests. I don't like feeling like I am an old lady who shuffles around everywhere she goes. I want do the things I have always been able to do. I want to do the grocery shopping alone, vacuum the house, and do things for and with my family. I want to go to all of the important events in my girls' lives and I don't like that their life is altered because mine is. I don't like that this has caused Phillip to work even harder than he already does, having to work and then come home to deal with those things I cannot do now. I hate that I am wishing away months of my life, so I can be at the end of chemo and my body to be healed. I want to be the one that worries about everyone else, not the one everyone else worries about. I don't want to be sick.

But Merry, this is your life right now. It will not always be this way. You have to find a new normal. The old normal is gone. Have faith and know that this will pass and be in the past. Be patient. It will happen.


Lin said...

This is a mere blip in your life when you need to stop, be looked after, and be appreciated for all that you do. Take the few weeks and read all those books you wanted to read but didn't have the time, knit some funky hats for your upcoming new look, and spend some quality time with Skittles.

Do not spend one moment feeling like a burden to your family--let them show you how absolutely wonderful they are again and again and again. This is a new chapter in your life that will soon end and you will have all grown closer because of it.

This too shall pass, Merry. I promise.

Merry said...

I will keep your sage words in mind. Whenever I forget, I will return here and listen to you again, o wise one.

Lady Euphoria Deathwatch said...

Hi Merry,

Though it is true that this is just a chapter in your life, it will for now be a slow one.

Not to be a downer, but... You will not just get up one morning a few weeks after the chemo and rub your hands together then pick up your life where you left off.

You have had major damage to your body. Killed more then just the cancer. It is bite the bullet time, and for now this is the new you.

It took me three years to come back to feeling like a full human being again. And I am still left with no driving privileges because I was left with seizures from the chemo damage.

You are now a cancer princess. Sitting on her throne and not being allowed to be like the regular people. Try to enjoy it for what you can. It only leads to depression if you don't.

It will be over one day. Just a memory. But for now, you are a cancer patent. Hold your head high and wear your crown. You're doing the work, so enjoy it.

Hugs, Euphoria

Merry said...

Euphoria- Thank you for your thoughtful words. I will remember your words when life gets to be too much.